The Hogwarts Game of Love
by xoElle23
Summary: A funny Hogwarts Game show. I do not own HP. Oneshot.


**THE LOVE LINK**

**CHAPTER ONE- THE GAME OF LOVE**

**Me:** Hello and welcome to The Hogwarts Game Of Love!! I'm your host, hpfangurl12993!

**Audience:** Who?

**Me: **Oh shut up! So what if I wasn't in any of the books! You can all go DIE!

**Audience** (Mumbling): Anger issues……

**Me:** OKAY! Let's bring out our first contestant, Harry Potter!

**Audience:** AAHHH HES SO HOT!

(Harry is being dragged out by huge body-guards and is tied to a chair.)

**Harry:** HEY GET OFF ME!

**Me:** You agreed to come.

**Harry:** YOU THREATENED TO KILL ME!

**Me:** I was _persuasive._

**Harry:** You held a knife to my throat!

**Me:** OKAY MOVING ON!!!! Now let's see about who's behind door number one!

**Girl sounding exactly like Hermione behind door number 1**: GET OFF ME! STOP IT! I WILL CALL THE ATHORITES!

**Harry:** Hermione?

**Girl sounding exactly like Hermione behind door number 1**: Harry?

**Me:** HEY! No admitting identities just yet! Okay Bachelorette number one likes Sushi, cold winter nights, and hates books!

**Girl sounding exactly like Hermione behind door number 1:** I do not hate books! I love books!

**Me:** That's not what you said in the interview!

**Girl sounding exactly like Hermione behind door number 1:** What interview?

**Me:** ANYWAY…… Bachelorette number two!

**Person sounding exactly like Ron behind door number 2:** STOP TRYING TO TIE ME TO THE BLOODY CHAIR!

(Bodyguards tie him up anyway and take his wand.) DIE!!!!!

**Me:** Bachelorette number two is-

**Person sounding exactly like Ron behind door number 2**: I'M A MAN!!!!!!

**Me:** Oh details, details.

**Random person in the audience:** I LOVE YOU RUPERT!!!

**Person sounding exactly like Ron behind door number 2**: Who's Rupert?

**Me:** MOVING ON….. Bachelorette number three!

**Oddly cold and excited voice behind door number 3:** Where's Potter? I want him! What? Sit here and I can see him in a second? Okay! (Cold excited voice sits down excitedly.)

**Me: **Okay Harry! Pick your soul mate and you win a dream date to Ireland!

**Harry:** I don't want any of them!

**Me:** I SAID PICK!!!! ONE, TWO, OR THREE?

**Harry:** I DON'T WANT ANY OF THEM!!!

(People in audience start shouting out numbers that Harry should pick.)

**Me:** I'll give you a year's supply of Bud Lite if you choose!

**Harry: **Beer? How did you know I was an alcoholic? I mean! Um, ew- yuck! None for me! (Harry's eyes continue to linger on the case of Bud Lite across the stage.)

**Me:** Well, your anorexic French friend told us!

**Harry:** Huh?

**Me:** Um Floe? (Checks script for name) Oh Fleur, whatever. I knew it was some weird random French name.

**Harry:** Fleur's not anorexic.

**Me:** (Smiles knowingly) Yes, and I'm ugly.

**Harry:** So you get it!

**Me:** JUST PICK A DOOR OR NO BEER!

**Harry:** Oh fine…. Um

**Person sounding exactly like Ron behind door number 2:** NOT ME!

**Cold excited voice from behind door #3**: Me! Me! MEEE!

**Harry:** Oh alright, door 3.

**Me:** Harry Potter, meet your dream date! Misssstttteeeeerrrr Malfoy! (Draco walks out from behind door #3 grinning.)

**Malfoy:** Hello gorgeous!

**Harry:** MALFOY??!? WHAT THE HELL?

**Malfoy:** Oh Harry dear, don't be frightened. You know we were meant to be. (Draco starts stroking Harry's cheek.)

**Harry: **No! I'm in love with…um...with… what's her name again?

**Hermione still tied up behind door #1: **GINNY, YOU IDIOT! GINNY! GINNY! GINNY!

(Ginny is knocked out unconscious back-stage and tied up, locked in a closet)

**Draco:** Who cares? _I_ love you.

**Audience:** NO _I _LOVE YOU! MARRY ME, HARRY!

**Harry:** Well……

**Draco:** I'll be the wife. And I'll make you homemade beer everyday.

**Harry:** Done!

**Audience**: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!

**Me:** (Quickly changes to Priest costume)

**Hermione** (still tied up but moved onto stage so she can watch): Hey! Girls' can't be Priests'!

**Me:** WHOS SHOW IS THIS?

**Ron **(Tied up next to Hermione): It's a lost cause. Let's just be supportive.

**Hermione:** Shut up! (Tries to hit Ron but fails because of ropes)

**Me:** Ronald! Lovely attitude! You may have some beer!

(Pours some beer into bowl and hands to bodyguard who holds in front of Ron.)

**Ron:** Yay! (Ron begins to stick his head in the bowl and lap up beer like a dog.)

**Me:** Moving rite along……

(Draco is now in an ugly pink dress holding a bouquet of dead flowers. Harry is next to him in a powder-blue jumpsuit.)

**Draco:** Let's go!

**Me:** Okay. Harry Say 'I do.'

**Harry:** Maybe we should re-think this….

**Hermione:** Yes! (Guard sticks a gag in Hermione's mouth)

**Draco:** Homemade beer……..

**Harry: **I do!

**Me:** Draco-

**Draco:** I do!!!!

**Me:** Okay by me, I say, you're married! (Hands both a piece of paper with their names written in blue crayon and the word 'marryd' on it.) Here are your marriage licenses'!

**Hermione** (Choking): Hgmppmhh!!!!!

(Ron has passed out from the beer and is now leaning head first into the beer bowl)

**Me**: Loosen it. If she dies we could be sued.

(Guards remove the gag)

**Hermione:** That isn't a real marriage license! And you spelt 'Marriage' wrong!

**Me:** SHUT UP OR THE GAG COMES BACK!

**Hermione:** You shut up!

**Audience: **(Gasps)

(Guards begin poking Hermione with wand tip)

**Hermione:** OW! STOP IT! Okay, okay! I'll be quiet! Just stop poking me in the eye!

(Harry and Draco climb onto a magic carpet and fly off into the sunset to Ireland holding hands.)

**Every member of the audience even the old people and guys: **NOOOOO!!! HARRY I LOVE YOU!!!

**CHAPTER TWO- THE NEXT LOVEBIRD**

**Me: **And we're back! Please welcome our next contestant, and old bachelorette, Roonil Wazlib!

(Ron walks out happy to finally be freed from earlier.)

**Me: **Welcome!

**Ron:** Glad to be here!

**Me:** Ready to get started?

**Ron:** Yeah! (Moves eyebrows trying to look sexy.)

**Me:** Um are you okay? Do you need to see a doctor?

**Ron:** (is deathly afraid of doctors') NOOO THEY'LL KILL ME!

**Me: **Um, okay.

**Ron:** Uh, yeah. Just continue.

**Me**: Okay! If you want Ron to be the next American Idol just text the numbers 2252 to-

**Ron:** Uh wrong show.

**Me:** Oops! Sorry, that's tomorrow. Anyway, Bachelorette number one!

(Fleur is hanging by her ankles behind door #1)

**Fleur**: Geet away from me, you oaf!

**Ron:** Oh she sounds feisty!

(Fleur starts to whimper loudly)

**Me**: Whoever brought a dog here, get it OUT!

**Ron:** I like dogs.

**Me:** Who cares? Bachelorette number two!

**Luna from behind door #2:** Hello. I'm glad to be here.

**Ron:** Why isn't she fighting?

**Me:** She said she didn't have anything better to do.

**Ron:** Er, okay.

**Me:** And finally bachelorette number three!

(Hermione is behinds door 3 tied up and blushing furiously)

**Hermione**: Err, Hello.

**Ron:** BO-RING!!!!

**Me:** Okay and the next American Idol is….

**Everyone in audience, on stage, and camera crew**: WRONG SHOW!!!!!

**Me:** SORRY! I HAVE A HECTIC LIFE!

**Ron**: Uh….

**Me:** Just pick a number.

**Ron**: 1,256!

**Me:** Pick a number 1 through 3, idiot.

**Girl in audience:** I WILL LOVE YOU FORVER RUPERT!!!

**Ron:** _Who is this Rupert person?!?_

**Me:** Never mind. Just PICK!!!!

**Ron:** Oh, okay. Why didn't you just ask? Umm….. (Ron closes his eyes) Ennie meenie minie mo……number…….one!

(Fleur is dropped from the ceiling onto her head.)

**Fleur**: AAAAHHH!!! BLOOD EEZ EVERYWERE! CALL ZE HEALERS!

**Me:** Okay, uh, no. Ron, since bachelorett number one is almost dead, pick another!

**Ron**: Okay, um three!

**Me:** Ronald, please meet your soul mate Hermioneeeeee Grangeeerrr!

(Hermione walks out and hugs Ron.)

**Hermione:** Oh, Ron! I love you too!

**Ron:** Huh? I thought number three was Luna! Can I re-choose?

**Me**: Nope. Too late. Your stuck with her.

**Hermione:** You don't love me? (Tears fill her eyes)

**Ron:** Well….. er

**Hermione:** (Looks up hopefully)

(Ron remembers how Hermione's parents are rich)

**Ron:** Yes! I do love you! (Dollar signs appear in Ron's eyes)

**Hermione **(not noticing): Horray!!!!!!!!!

**Me**: Okay um where's that Laura kid?

**Ron:** You mean Luna?

**Me**: Whatever. No ones name is as important as mine.

**Random person in the audience:** WHAT ABOUT ME?

**Me:** NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU!

**Same random person in audience:** WAAAA!! (Runs out in tears)

**Me**: Yay! That's the second emotional break-down I've caused today!

**Hermione:** What about Luna and Fleur?

**Me:** Oh rite. (Opens door number two and find Luna sitting there as if nothings happened)

**Me**: Er, hello.

**Luna:** Oh hello.

**Me**: Would you like to come out?

**Luna:** If you need me to. (everyone leaves and goes back onstage)

**Hermione:** And Fleur?

**Me: **Oh alright. (Guards pick up Fleur and drop her in a bin backstage labeled 'Emergency Trash')

**Me:** So um….yeah. Get off my stage. It's almost time for our final round.

**Luna:** (Doesn't care) Oh alright.

**Ron**: Let's go shopping!

**Hermione:** Why?

**Ron:** Er, I love you?

**Hermione:** Let's go!

**Ron:** (Thinking of how hot and sexy he'll look on his new broom)

(They walk off happily, dollar signs still in Ron's eyes)

**Me:** And we'll be rite back!

**CHAPTER THREE- UH-OH**

**Me:** And now let's welcome our final guest, Minerva McGonagall!

(McGonagall walks out angrily)

**Me:** (Pleasantly) Have a seat. (Smiles)

**McGonagall:** No! I will not have some Oprah Winfrey wanna-be threatening me to come on a Dating Show!

**Audience:** Opro Who?

**McGonagall:** Never mind.

**Me:** Anyway! Let's start!

**McGonagall:** No!

**Me:** (Holds up McGonagall's diary) I'll read it…

**McGonagall:** You wouldn't dare.

**Me:** (Starts reading loudly) August 13th, 1982 It was cold. Albus was wearing a very sexy coat today. Mink, I believe-

**McGonagall:** OKAY! Okay! (She sits down angrily) May I have that back please?

**Me:** Not until we're done. (Motions to guard to come over.)

**Guard:** Yeah, boss?

**Me:** (Whispers) Make three photo copies of this. (Slips diary) And hurry!

**Guard:** Yes boss. (Guard skips off in girlie way)

**McGonagall:** What was that all about?

**Me:** I was uh, ordering lunch.

**McGonagall:** Oh.

**Me:** Let's just begin. Bachelor #1 is a former Durmstrang student!

**Viktor Krum from behind door #1:** Vhat eez going on? Hey! Vhy am I tied up?! Vere eez Hermie-on?

**Me:** Nice, huh?

**McGonagall:** A _student_? That's just wrong!

**Me:** And what, may I ask, is _write_ with this show?

**McGonagall:** Well, uh

**Me:** Exactly my point. Moving on! Bachelor #2!

**Familiar voice behind door number two:** Hey Minnie!

**McGonagall:** Oh, no. Please no.

**Voice behind door #2:** You know you want me!!! (Begins banging on door proclaiming his love for Professor McGonagall.)

**Me:** Yes, indeed! And last! Bachelor #3!

**Dumbledore:** Hello! Thrilled to be here! I like sports, books, and odd words!

**McGonagall:** (Gasps) Albus!

**Me:** NO REVEALING IDENITIES YET!!!

**McGonagall:** (Sighs) Oh fine. (Says in dull voice) Oh gee, I wonder who it could ever be.

**Me:** That's the spirit! Now choose!

**McGonagall:** Three! Number three!

(Dumbledore walks out)

**Me**: Uh, no! Never mind! Pick again!

**McGonagall**: No!

**Me**: (Pulls lever and Dumbledore is shot outside by cannon and is locked out) Now pick again!

**McGonagall**: No!

**Me:** (Pulls out diary again) AND BOY HOW I LOVE MINK COATS-

**McGonagall:** OH FINE! Number two I guess.

**Me:** Minerva McGonagall you've chosen, Sirius Black!

(Sirius struts out and throws himself at McGonagall)

**McGonagall:** Ew! Get off me, Black! And take a bath every now and then, for heavens sake!

**Sirius:** Oh Minnie! I love you too!

(Viktor Krum bursts out from behind door #1)

**Viktor:** VERE EEZ HERMY-OH-NINY?

**Me:** Uh, she's right there! (Points at McGonagall)

**Viktor:** That eez Hermy-own-ninny?

**Me:** Uh, well, she got plastic surgery! A LOT of plastic surgery!

**Viktor**: (Runs over to McGonagall and begins kissing her.)

**McGonagall: **GET THEM OFF ME!

**Me:** No way!

**McGonagall**: Please!

**Me**: Well, since you asked so nicely…..NO!!!

(McGonagall, Viktor, and Sirius fall into a mud pitt and all begin wrestling)

**Me**: HEY! NO! THAT'S FOR LATER! GUARDS!!!

(Guards take the three mud covered people and lock them all in cages.)

**McGonagall:** GET ME OUT OF HERE!! I WILL SUE!!!!

**Me**: I can't heeeere yoooou.

**Sirius:** Weee! A box!

**Viktor:** Geet me out of here!

**Me:** Join us tonight at 6 for Fight-To-The-Death-Mud-Wrestling! I'm hpfangurl2993! Thanks for watching!

(Music begins to play with McGonagall and Viktor still screaming in the background)

**THE END!!!**


End file.
